"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "During an interview Tuesday on the Today Show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration's first state dinner said, "The ensuing media firestorm has destroyed everything we've worked for." But then, they remembered they've never worked for anything."
(Image from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- "Blake Lively" Episode 1562 -- Pictured: (l-r) Kennan Thompson, Seth Meyers -- NBC Photo: Dana Edelson - All Rights Reserved)
MEYERS - "The Tea Party Nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the "First National Tea Party Convention" in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest-ever gathering of misspelled signs."
MEYERS - "Last Friday Tiger Woods hit a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out. So Tiger cheated on his wife with multiple women in multiple cities, then he was involved in an alleged domestic violence incident and a car accident. How can anyone say golf isn't a real sport? It was reported that Tiger Woods is offering his wife Elin Nordegren 5 million dollars to not leave him. What's really weird is he presented it to her with one of those huge, oversized checks.
So far, Tiger's sponsors are standing behind him. A gesture that can only mean one thing - women don't watch golf. Want some, watch some golf. Seventy-five percent of the commercials are for products that make your penis work right. The rest are what to buy when it stops working completely."
MEYERS - "Cable giant Comcast this week finalized a deal to acquire control of NBC Universal from General Electric for 6 billion dollars. The final sticking point to the deal was GE convincing Comcast that it's still 1996."
MEYERS - "Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week that were shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief, powerful high, followed by a long, slow comedown."
MEYERS - "This Wednesday the Rockefeller Christmas Tree was illuminated. However the occasion was marred when
MEYERS - "Author Jonathan Littell won Britain's Bad Sex in Fiction Prize this week for a passage in his book "The Kindly Ones," which compared female genitalia to the mythical Gorgon and a "Cyclops whose single eye never blinks." Among those not amused by the award: Mrs. Jonathan Littell ? and her Gorgon vagina."
MEYERS - "A new GPS system has been introduced that features Snoop Dogg's voice giving drivers directions. With traditional GPS phrases like "bear left" and "go 200 yards" and "hold up I gotta swing by my boy Mookie's house."
MEYERS - "A new study has found that the linemen on college football teams are often obese. The study was conducted by the University of My Eyeballs."
MEYERS - "This Tuesday was World AIDS Day. Which of course meant another broadcast of the beloved TV classic: 'Your Test Came Back Positive, Charlie Brown.'"
MEYERS - "A man in Florida was arrested after he called police to tell them that he had killed his wife, however when they arrived at his home they discovered that he was single and had marijuana laying out on the table. Really, really good marijuana."
MEYERS - "A man in Ohio was arrested after he attacked a Salvation Army bell-ringer and stole the donations while yelling "I hate Christmas." Though I don't see how anyone could hate Christmas more than the Salvation Army bell-ringer."
MEYERS - "A silent film is being sold on eBay that shows Marilyn Monroe in the late 1950s smoking marijuana at a party. The film is based on a gay dude's refrigerator magnet."
MEYERS - "During an episode of the Tyra Banks show this week that featured characters from Sesame Street, Cookie Monster created a controversy when he grabbed the talk show host's rear end. Though in fairness, how can you expect Cookie Monster to resist that much brown sugar?"
MEYERS - "It was announced this week that Nicole Richie is developing a sitcom with ABC. The working title is 'Two and a Half Episodes.'"
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