Flea! Alright, I admit it, you had me a little panicked.  Because your column has become something of a tonic to me.  A monthly lifeline which dispenses no healing medicines, but without which, nevertheless, I cannot live.  Well, I can live, but it is a hollow existence.  All this, and you're not even a woman.  Or so you say.

Ah, just think of me as your celebrity hair methadone.  And, as for the not being a woman thing, apparently I need to go even further and explain that I'm not gay or a transvestite.  That latter one is from The National Enquirer.  Seriously.  And don't ask, it's sadly idiotic on their part.

Days went by, weeks perhaps, and the new column didn't appear.  And so it was that I practically STORMED to your site today, determined that if the new column wasn't posted, I would start sending you e-mails requesting its presence, which would start friendly, but become increasingly filled with virtiol if the new column still didn't appear.  Thank goodness it didn't come to that, and I have some vitriol saved for next time (I keep it in the medicine cabinet where the cat can't reach it)

Hey have you tried the generic brand of vitriol yet?  Just as good and much cheaper.  Good to know if you suffer from frequent rantings.

Not only that, but watch me blush as I discover my own words posted for all to enjoy!  Oh, Flea, the sheer glory of knowing that the uneducated masses will benefit from the crumbs of wisdom I toss them.  I was walking on sunshine all day.  People who passed me in the street politely did not stare, but I know they were studying me intensely, trying to figure out how I could possess such insights that they, in their nasty, brutish, and short lives, would never enjoy.   Sucks to be one of the masses.

Yup, sure does.  Glad I could elevate you above the rabble, if just for a brief instant.  The view's nice.  Hey, I can see my house from here...

Alright then, to the hair news.  February has become another gloomy month, as talented people with the finances to employ every top-notch stylist, roller, and extra-hold gel continue to make mind-bogglingly dumb hair decisions. It just shouldn't be this complicated.  Let's dig in:

TERI HATCHER:  I'm a big Teri fan.  I'm a big curls fan.  And yet that shot of Teri with curls plopped on her head just misses the mark, real wide. Two great tastes that should taste great together, but don't.  Maybe they're great tastes that should forever stay separate, like chocolate and beer (although I could go for a Hershey's Amber right now).  Have to ponder this one more.

Actually, I've had a chocolate based beer and it's pretty good.  Doesn't change the fact that Teri's hair looks like some bad hairstyle experiment gone a wry.  You know, like after attaching the electrodes and shocking it to life, it climbed on to Teri's head and died.  However, before it passed on, it seems to have eaten most of her eyebrows.  Tragic.

CATE BLANCHETT:  Are you sure this isn't Tori Amos in bad lighting?  Cause I'm just a tad suspicious.  For the eight zillionth time, people, parted in the middle with little flippy things at the bottom makes you look, at best, like you're 4 years old.  If you're a movie star of Cate's caliber, you should be sporting something a little more refined.

Very true.  And good call on the Tori Amos thing.  Good connection that I didn't see.  You are learning well, grasshopper.

Oh, and just to interject a response to Ally from a post she put on the column's message board, the reason Cate's below below the chin layers don't work with her round face is because since it is a shag, the length that would offset them is farther back. Thus, the front layers just end at her chin, giving the same unflatting look a chin-length bob would give. So there you are.

ALICIA SILVERSTONE:  Congratulations, Alicia.  You are now officially twelve years old.  Once again, people, let's read aloud from page 57 in our hymnals: getting bangs does not relieve you from keeping an actual STYLE.  One of the few cases in my personal history where I've strongly preferred the no-bangs, parted-in-the-middle deal.  Alicia, I wanted you when you were young enough to send me to jail.  Now you're old enough, and you look young enough to turn me off altogether.  I may have to start a seminar or something.

Even after finding the better picture that's in the Updates section, I must say that it looks just as bad.  Unless this is for a movie (and even if it was, why not glam it up for a premiere?), this has to be one of the worst style changes in a while without any major loss of length.

SHARON STONE:  Um, no.

Well, on the upside, she's still letting it grow.  From the front it looks really good, but the sides and back (especially the back) just don't.  Maybe she should start wearing a lot of hooded coats.

Alright, FleaMan, I'm going to end my latest dissertation for now, so we can all get on with our lives, such as they are (actually, Will & Grace is on).

Must go watch Debra Messing.  I can sympathize.  Woohoo!

But thank you again for printing my letter.  If you ever dare to do so again, don't hesitate to mention that I'm good-looking, modest single young man in Los Angeles, desperate for a woman with great hair.  I even have all of my own hair.  And I never use a flowbee!

Consider it done. And what more could a girl want?  Other than a guy wouldn't be secretly and obsessively critiquing her hair every moment?

Oh, and for those of you scoring at home, I believe that is a new record for Flowbee references in a column.

And finally a couple of general comments on the column from opposite ends of the spectrum. First, a compliment:

Thanks Amy. Actually, my favorite part of this email was it's title: "Praise Lavishing". Next, I present my first official piece of outright hate mail. Ok, the first that's related to the column:

Uh...ow.  You are right that the very nature of the column is superficial, since it focuses on something as trivial as hair...and celebrity hair, at that.  Can't defend that at all.  However, I would take exception that I'm critical of everyone and everything.  I'm pretty sure there are several compliments in there as well.  Let me look at last month's column.  Yup, there are positive comments on Eileen Davidson, Bonnie Hunt, and Peta Wilson, just to name a few.  So, I'm not completely cranky and cynical, with emphasis on "completely".

Oh, and if I didn't have a life, then the column would be on time. =)

Want to tell me how much you love the column?  OK, how about hate?  Have comment on something I wrote?  Just want to see if you are up to the challenge of writing something that will pass the rigid Fleamail screening process and make it into the next column? 

Drop me a line at [email protected].