The next long email comes from the previously mentioned Andy S.  Every month Andy sends me a full and pretty darn funny review of the column.  Though I've offered excerpts of his letter in previous Fleamail sections, I wanted to give a better taste of what I get each month.  From an email titled "Not that you asked for my opinion, but..."

.... really, if I waited until someone asked, who would ever hear my pearls of wisdom?  Better to go to the roof of a 3-story building in the middle of a busy intersection around lunchtime, and shout what I'm feeling, while holding up a big sign with more opinion.  Just sharing my zen-like wisdom with the masses, whether they like it or not.

I've tried the intersection and sign thing.  The internet column seems to work much better.  Plus it saves on bail money.

Alright, I admit it, I was checking your site daily for the update all through December, and getting upset and worried when it was late, but didn't 
want to write and ask for fear I'd get a "dammit, Jim, I'm a hairstylist, not a webmaster!" type of response.  The new column finally appeared, all is at peace.  Once again, a wonderful column.  I laughed, I cried, I wet my pants. It was better than "Cats."  And it's almost time for January's column!

Incontinence and a comparison to the most annoying musical on Broadway.  Is there higher praise?  I think not.

And here we go.....

Helen Hunt:  Helen, I'm not really sure what the complication is here.  You have a long, thin face with a high forehead; thick bangs and full hair look best on you.  I know you knew this at one point -- the first season of "Mad About You", when it was shoulder-length, full and curled at the ends, and looked just cute as a button on your face (which itself looked healthier back then).  Nowadays, the Flea-man is right on when he says it looks like you did it yourself "with the windows down in the limo on the way over to the event." Really, what is the difficulty here?  It looks bad.  Fix it.  I'm not gonna tell you again.

Robin Tunney:  I have no idea who this chick is, so here's my blank slate opinion:  short crop made her look scary.  New curly 'do is fantastic.  She looks like my old girlfriend now (why did I stop dating her again?).  
 

Probably because the restraining order made dinners awkward.

Sherilyn Fenn:  Now this is a delicate one.  Points awarded for letting the bangs grow to within shouting distance of her eyebrows.  Instantly, her face is transformed.  Sherilyn, truly, thank you for that, huge improvement. Points detracted for an annoying sweep-across-the-forehead with the bangs, reminiscent of Liv Tyler.  Points may be redeemed if this is just one of those awkward "growing-out" stages.

Hey, could I get a copy of that scoring system?

Renee Zellweger, Faith Hill, Christina Ricci:  I am officially getting a little tired of this hair extension game.  I know, it's fun to have long hair for an evening when you really have short, yada yada yada.  And I admit that Faith's actually looked really good (though just as good shoulder-length).  The problem, ladies, is that nothing in Hollywood happens in moderation; everything becomes a trend that everyone simply must try, even if it's totally, well, inane.  And that's when it gets annoying, and a bit confusing.  I was at an airport magazine rack this week and saw Meg Ryan on 2 magazine covers next to each other (I'd tell you the titles but I don't remember, and really, who cares?).  In one mag, she had her current uneven above-the-shoulders 'do.  On the other, it was several inches past her shoulders. 

Obviously, extensions were at play here.  What bugged me is that if you'd just seen the magazine with the long-hair picture, you might have thought she really looked like that now, when she doesn't.  There's a whole deceptiveness at work here -- it's getting harder and harder to figure out what a star 
actually looks like at any given moment, between TV footage, magazines, newspapers, etc.  I can't explain why it bothers me so much; it just does 
(yes, I'm scaring myself too).  It's the equivalent of a male star wearing a false mustache and glasses, and you might think he looked good, but you'd be 
wondering why he bothered at all.  Anyway, the point is that extensions are false, they're being used far too much, and ladies, you all have beautiful natural hair if you'd just choose to style it that way; extensions are just another annoying way of NOT doing precisely that; instead you just make a bad style, well, longer.  'Nuff said (well, probably too much).

No, I'm agreeing with you here.  The extension thing has become so ubiquitous that it's just confusing.  Besides making it difficult to figure out just who has long hair and who doesn't, virtually everyone who wears them wears them the EXACT SAME WAY.  Stick straight, center parted, uneven wispy ends.  It just doesn't look good!  Furthermore, lots of times they obscure a good hairstyle.  Charlize Theron, for example, had grown her hair back to a terrific chin-length layered bob.  Yesterday, I saw that she had added extensions and now has a below the shoulder, center parted, yada yada yada.  It couldn't hold a candle to the previous style. 

As for Meg's extensions, they were just horrific.  If she's gonna go long (which looks great on her), she has to go back to her softer look a la "Sleepless in Seattle".  As for Faith Hill, I just can't bring myself to say anything bad about her extensions because they are amongst the very few that appear completely natural and, simply put, they look fantastic.  Have you seen the video for her new song "Breathe"?  Yowza.

Lauren Holly:  Flea-man, I admire you for standing by your original favorable review of her long locks.  And I stand by my original rejection of them.  The hair overwhelms her face, it's inappropriate for her doctor role, it's styled 
annoyingly (I keep thinking of a blond horse's mane or something), and darnit, she was a great redhead.  Maybe if they'd just bring back "Picket 
Fences"....

True, the hair is completely inappropriate for her role (especially worn down), but I just can't help that I like it.  We'll agree to disagree.

Shannon Dougherty:  Congratulations, Shannon.  You are now officially Courteney Cox.  And no, that's not a compliment.

Great.  Drink out of my nose twice now.

Thank God for Robin Tunney; let her head be a beacon of light unto all the land.  I hope for better news next month.  If not, I'll meet you on the roof 
of the building at noon.

- Andy S

And finally, a few messages about that endlessly fascinating subject - me:

I just gotta say, every time I think I'll take a "few minutes" to glance at your column (husband pestering me to get offline), I just can't do it.  It's like trying to eat only a few potato chips -- it's impossible.  Your pennings always make me smile; and a quick glance just doesn't satisfy.  I can be famished for dinner, exhausted or suffering from over consumption of water, but until I read to the end of your column; nothing can make me leave my chair.  Do you have a 12-step program?
(grin) 

Clearly addicted, 
- Jan
 

I stumbled upon your website unexpectedly while looking for some hairstyling ideas for myself and have been returning to it to read the Celebrity Hairspray from start to finish.

My coworkers must be wondering what I do at noon time that is so funny as I'm sure they can hear my laughter down the hall.  I can't say I understand the many different hairstyles the "stars" do (i.e., Keri Russell, who I agree with you looked way prettier with long hair) and I get quite a chuckle from reading your comments, most of which I agree with.

I just wanted to let you know I enjoy the website, not to mention I now have some good ideas of how I want to cut and style my own hair (and definitely of what I do NOT want).

Keep up the good work 
- Dalene

 
Dear Jerky,

I just have to say it....you totally crack me up!  You are a comic genius, although this may not be your intention.  :)  I always wait for your column to go up every month and alas, after the grueling holiday rituals took their toll on me, I sat down & read your hysterical December column (which made me 
laugh as much, or more, than the previous and infamous Tori Spelling column)  Maybe I'm just slap-happy here.  Nah, it was hysterical.  I just love 
it....what the doctor ordered.  Thanks.  You truly have found your calling.

Big fan here,
- Kel

Want to tell me how much you love the column?  OK, how about hate?  Have comment on something I wrote?  Just want to see if you are up to the challenge of writing something that will pass the rigid Fleamail screening process and make it into the next column? 

Drop me a line at JerkyFlea@HairBoutique.com. 
 

RobinTunney picture courtesy Hollywood.Com,  Renee Zellweger and Christina Ricci pictures courtesy Reuters, Faith Hill picture courtesy Star Magazine

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