Happy Holidays, one and all! The Diva has a HUGE announcement to make to all her loyal fans—a little holiday bon-bon, you might say. The Diva has taken a husband!
Yes, dears, it’s too true. After years and years of breaking hearts left and right (of course, the Diva never has been one to brag about her many conquests, superlative gifts (not the least of which was her now-famous set of rubies, diamonds, and pearls set in platinum), and world-renowned affairs d’amour), the Diva is now happily married to the love of her life. Who IS this fabulous man, you may well ask? Is he titled royalty, a wildly successful businessman, a cutting-edge entrepreneur, a world-famous surgeon or nuclear physicist? Let me tell you all about it; it is my Christmas gift to you all.
Years ago, before the Diva was the Diva, known and loved by hundreds of thousands, she had a dear male friend whose friendship she treasured. They shared many happy hours talking and laughing together, and found they had a great deal in common. You could say that they were soul mates who didn’t realize it yet. Years passed, and the Diva went on to fame and fortune, and this lovely man married and had a wonderful daughter.
But as fate will have it, his and the Diva’s paths crossed two years ago. And behold and lo! It seemed that the friendship never ended, and there was more than ever in common. By now, his marriage had ended in divorce, and the daughter grew up to be successful in her own field, and married to a wonderful man. He invited the Diva to dinner one night, and a new kind of relationship blossomed between them. The Diva sensed that Fate was heading her way with a big Cupid’s bow poised and ready. Then, many midnight phone calls, loving notes and cards later, this wonderfully unique and special man asked the Diva to be his forever. What can I say: the time was right, and the man was definitely right! The Diva said YES.
The wedding was incredibly spectacular! The announcement list alone took three of the Diva’s closest assistants to manage, and included such celebs as Mel Gibson and his darling wife, Sharon Stone, former president Clinton (what can I say, darlings—the man actually wept over the phone! We HAD to tell him—he’s been a Diva fan since Day One!), Jennifer Lopez and her sweet but dopey fianc, Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Woody Allen, Tina Turner, Barbra Streisand, Diane Sawyer, Regis Philbin, Garth Brooks, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, and Fergie, to name just a few. Yes, that’s right—the Diva did say announcements, not actual guests. The actual ceremony, date, and location were private, with just family and close friends attending. But the Diva will graciously share the details with you.
The Diva was dressed to the nines of course: diamond and pearl tiara, diamond and pearl drop earrings and choker, and the famous platinum and pearl bangle bracelet. The dress was sheer majesty—Versace, of course; a dream of pearl-white lace and silk. The shoes alone took a team of dedicated Italian craftsmen three months to complete, encrusted as they were with real pearls and diamonds. The flowers were heavenly; white lilacs, white roses, and white tulips wrapped in white Belgian lace for the bride, while a perfect white rose adorned the lapel of the husband’s fabulous black Armani suit. The wedding bands were crafted of the finest platinum from a single block, and the Diva designed the simple but elegant rings herself. (Sorry, loves, the design was destroyed so that the rings will truly remain ‘two of a kind!’). A close family friend sang Etta James’ famous rendition of “At Last,” at the commencement of the ceremony, and then both hearts and hands were united in true wedded bliss.
Would you like to hear about some of the wedding gifts? Well, of course! Far be it from the Diva to withhold juicy info like this to you! Some of the gifts included a genuine ruby and emerald Faberge egg, a set (for 24) of Royal Doulton china, a sterling silver tea set, Lalique crystal, a set of sterling silver vases, a kayak for two, several sets of Egyptian cotton sheets, a $5,000 gift certificate to Tiffany’s, an original Erte painting, a huge uncut diamond, a complete signed set of all the Monty Python DVDs and books (signed personally and sent by our good friend, John Cleese), a small cabin in Maine, a first edition of Browning poetry, and a trip to Belize. The honeymoon was spent in a secret location, far from the madding crowds, with lots of candlelight, champagne, music, and a Jacuzzi. Mmmmm, heaven!
By the way, the Diva regrets that no photos of the event or the new husband will be published. You must forgive the Diva, but she IS a woman of mystery, and wishes to remain so. Plus the new husband (who, by the way, firmly states for the record that he will NOT be known as “Mr. Diva”) prefers to stay in the background, and happily pursues his own career and hobbies. And what does the husband of the famous Diva do, you may ask? The answer: anything he wants! He is thrilled at the Diva’s success, and wishes her to do doing what she has always done; amuse, instruct, and serve YOU, my loyal fans.
So, my sweets, this is my special holiday treat for you. The Diva is happy beyond her wildest dreams, and please remember to lift a glass this holiday season to her happiness. May all of you know love, friendship, kindness, joy, and happiness this and every season!
Ta-tahh and big kisses,