How To Save A Loved One From The Dreaded Mullet Militia!

Introduction

As a woman, I have noticed and commented on various hairstyles, both female and male. My attitude is generally live and let live, but I have to tell you, that Mullet hairdo gives me pause.

(Photo taken from Mullet Hairstyle ala 1999).

What, exactly, is a “mullet?” I did a bit of online research on the subject, and found the following from a respected mullet site (I assure you: there ARE such things!):

"Mullets have been around for as long as time has been recorded. They have gone by many different names, such as:

• Hockey player haircut
• Soccer Rocker
• Bi-Level
• Shag
• Neckwarmer
• Ape Drape
• Sphinx
• Hack Job
• Lobster
• Mud Flap
• B&T (bridge and tunnel)
• River cut (as in Colorado River)
• SFLB (Short in Front, Long in Back)
• Achy-Breaky-what-a-mistakey (my own personal favorite)

We seriously doubt most of them are even aware that they are Mullets.

However, once you know what a Mullet is and what to look for you will see them EVERYWHERE. One of the best places to spot Mullets on television is any cable channel that plays country music videos.

For whatever reason, the Mullet appears to be the preferred 'look' for the male (and yes, sometimes female) country music star.”

Some noted Mullet wearers are (or have been):

• Paul McCartney
• David Bowie
• Billie Ray Cyrus (I blame him for most of this)
• Brad Pitt
• Tom Hanks (whew—it was only for a movie!)
• Gallagher (well, his is more of a Skullet)
• David Crosby (him, too)
• Michael Bolton
• Ben Jovi
• Michael Keaton
• Hulk Hogan (more of a skullet every day)
• John Stamos
• Keanu Reeves
• Elijah Wood (eeek, one mullet to rule them all!)
• Ben Affleck
• Various “femullets” (who should know better)

So, all that being said, how does one save a loved one from sporting the ridiculous mullet? Sadly, it’s a process that may or may not work, and you have to be prepared to take the consequences. You’re going to have to perform what used to popularly be called “tough love,” and it’s never pretty.

Before you sit your loved one down for some serious mullet-deprogramming, you’re going to have to decide what trigger phrase will work for them; i.e., the one that will have the most impact to effect change.

For me personally, all it would take is someone I care about telling me I looked like one of those poor-me-cowgirls that hang around country & western bars.

For others, it might be that pro-wrestlers creep them out. Or big dumb dudes with tattooed biceps, ripped t-shirts stained with truck grease, and low foreheads who think the epitome of sophistication is to crush Bud cans on their foreheads and shout “Yeeeeeeeee-HAWWWW!” Or sometimes, just a whispered “You DO realize how stupid you look, right?” will work. You just have to know your loved one.

There is always the very real possibility that your loved may not want to change. They may really love their mullet more than you. If that’s the case, you only have one option: WALK AWAY.

Remember, when you’re walking down the street with a clown, no one will think to say, ‘Oh, look at that well-dressed, smartly-coiffed woman walking with that clown.” But they will say, “Look at those two clowns!”

You have been warned. Good luck!

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