NOTE: JerkyFlea is on an extended sabbatical to spend more time with his family.

Thus, while spending the last three months as Ray Zalinsky, part-time accordion teacher and proprietor of a bratwurst concession at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, PA, I had neither the time or resources to keep up with celebrity hair or produce a column. However, now that all parties that I testified against in the illicit "Madeline-Albright-pornography-for-trout" ring (it was like "arms-for-hostages", but different) have been convicted, I believe it is once again safe to resume my former life. Ah, what a harrowing time it has been, but it's good to be home. So, I'm sure you can see how my absence was completely and totally out of my control.

Not buying it, huh?

Ok, what really happened was that between professional and personal obligations, I was mind-numbingly busy for the last three months and have just gotten my head back above water. I haven't been locked in a back closet of HairBoutique.com, I haven't been near-death with illness, and I wasn't in a train accident from which I miraculously escaped. That was Bruce Willis in "Unbreakable". I've just had stuff to do. Sad, but true. So, you can stop berating poor Karen and Jeff about what happened to me since they had no control over it. In fact, 99.93% of the time, the column is delayed by yours truly, with that tiny other percentage being the microscopic amount of time between when Jeff receives the column and puts it up. Thus, in the future, that hate mail should go to JerkyFlea@HairBoutique.Com and I will be sure to read it all and reply to most. 'Cause, see if I'm too busy to write the column...

Anyway, enough of my excuses, rehashing of the past, and general folderol (yes, "folderol". Look it up. www.merriam-webster.com). I'm gonna do my best to hit the high points of what happened over the past few months, along with the latest stuff. Much like my first column back after my last hiatus, if you remember last June. Soooo, let's get jiggy with it...

Let's start with the biggest news since the last column, JENNIFER ANISTON's new bob. First, a bit of background. If you are wondering why no one seemed to know about it before she appeared on the American Cinematheque tribute to Bruce Willis, it's because she did it that very day. Her stylist (whose name escapes me), came to her house to do her hair for the event and Jennifer was all set to cut it, even armed with pictures of styles she liked. Given that, I still don't understand how the end result looked like she had just reenacted the scene from "Sixteen Candles" where the cheerleader's drunken friends free her being stuck in a locked door by her hair by hacking it off with the world's largest pair of sewing shears. Interestingly, it did evolve from that rather unfortunate beginning to a cleaner, layered bob that, strangely enough, looks almost identical to what her old "Rachel" shag would have looked like if you cut the flippy layers off the bottom. The most tragic part of this whole thing is that, though the new bob actually does look pretty good on her (better than I would have imagined, actually), her long hair was looking the best it had in several years in the episodes of "Friends" just preceding the big cut. She had lost the ridiculous extensions from last year and was letting it go wavy. Looked fantastic on her. Which, of course, is the perfect reason to hack it all off.

By the way, if you are a "Friends" fan, you are probably like me in wondering why the hell the new 'do wasn't even mentioned on the show. This from a series that built whole episodes around Monica, Chandler, and Joey cutting their hair short and Ross's girlfriend shaving her head and even had Lisa Kudrow wear a long, blonde wig for two seasons while her bob grew out. Now Rachel loses a foot and a half of hair and no one even comments? As Ricky Ricardo would say, "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do...".

Oh, and one final interesting epilogue to this whole thing, word is that Jennifer has been overheard saying that she regrets cutting it and is planning to let it grow out again, thus beginning her journey on the road that has been well-trod by co-star Courteney Cox Arquette. Somebody must have finally said, " You know, except for the layers on the bottom, that cut looks exactly like..."

Next up on the haircut parade is "Angel"'s own Cordeila Chase, CHARISMA CARPENTER. Charisma's hair had been long for a very long time, though not quite as long as it has been in the last few seasons of "Angel". Yes, once again, you have been fooled by the dreaded and ubiquitous extensions that lengthened her locks from about mid back to her waist. Either due to the damage it had caused to her hair or just sheer exhaustion from carrying the weight of two or three heads worth of hair around, Charisma decided that no matter what the producers said, she was going to fly in the face of the WB's infamous "Felicity Haircut Moratorium" and chop it off anyway. And chop she did, with the result being a heavily layered, shoulder-length style that isn't exactly a shag and definitely isn't a bob. Heck, I'm not sure what you'd really call it. One major downside though, is that the removal of the extensions and massive layering make her hair look much thinner and when it isn't fluffed up a bit, just kind of hangs limply around her head. Bottom-line is that it looks good styled, but terrible plain. Which, as those of you playing at home should know by now, means that Charisma needs to get her skinny self to the salon for some corrective snipping ASAP. To be honest, she and Jennifer Aniston would both look better if they swapped hairstyles, given their respective hair types. Ah, well. Whatta ya gonna do? At least they mentioned it on "Angel" when Cordelia got HER hair cut...

Before we move onto to brighter pastures, we must take time out for a couple of rather tragic hairstyle changes. First, let's hit the one that at least has an explanation that I was able to uncover, CATE BLANCHETT's recent baldification (look for THAT on your "Word of the Day" calendar) which has grown out to her current super short crop. 

In Cate's most recent film, "Heaven", in some sort of climactic scene, she shaved her head. Before you ask, no, I don't know the story or plotpoint that required this tonsorial sacrifice. Cate wasn't terribly broken up about it though, even looking on the bright side saying that unlike when she just shaved the front of her forehead for "Elizabeth", she at least didn't look like a recent escapee from an asylum. So she has that going for her. Which is nice. Anyway, that means, as you may have already guessed, that if you saw Cate with a fluffy short, dark brown 'do, then you saw her with a wig. Currently, Cate's blonde locks have sprouted back to crop about an inch and a half long all over and it doesn't look outright terrible. Does go to show that Cate can wear short hair, just not quite THIS short.  Does make her eyes stand out though, doesn't it?

I'm sure you know RACHEL LEIGH COOK as the young actress with the big brown eyes accented by her dark brown hair that has usually been cut in soft styles ranging from neck length to mid-back. Well, the latter part of that description was rendered pretty much moot when Rachel appeared at the premiere of the latest Sylvester Stallone opus, "Get Carter" (start making those notes for your Oscar ballot now), with a style that could best be described as the result of being attacked by a peroxide spraying WeedEater(tm).

My only explanation of the horribly damaged looking, platinum, hacked bob was that it was for her role in the movie, "Blow Dry", but I can't confirm that. Rachel then attempted to correct the problem by, well, cutting off the damaged parts which left her with a spiky, one-inch white-blonde crop. Amazingly enough, after getting over the shock of it, it didn't look hideous. Of course, no comparison to her lovely chestnut locks of before, but hey, it didn't suck. Unfortunately, since then, she's let it grow. Why is that bad? Well, if you are going to let a short, platinum crop grow out, you should a) periodically trim it and b) avoid ending up with dark roots the same length as the blonde part of your hair. As you can see from the last set of pictures, however, Rachel has chosen to regrow it using the alternative "trashy ho" method.

On to brighter and blonder pastures in the from of ALYSSA MILANO and WINONA RYDER. Both are growing their hair longer with Alyssa adding a plethora of blonde streaks, while Winona reclaims more of her natural hue. The result is a very similar color for both. Alyssa's longer , blonder locks look good, but in my humble and usually correct opinion, she looks better as a brunette. Plus, she doesn't match the other sisters on "Charmed" anymore. Yeah, I know I'm being a stickler. Just call me Captain Continuity. However, I won't complain as long as she keeps the length. Well, complain much.

As for the Hollywood's Pixie Poster Girl, Winona has been growing her hair out and going back blonder to differentiate herself from her old roles. I mean, other than "Heathers" and "Edward Scissorhands", there have been virtually no movies where she hasn't sported her trademark brunette crop. Personally, I think the longer, lighter 'do looks cute on her. Sure, it's sort of between styles as it grows, currently being in a long, layered, slightly out of control shaggish cut that can be styled into those cool 70s wings when necessary. Now, as her hairdresser says, we just have to hope she doesn't get fed up with it since she's been known to take scissors to it herself in the past. Kids, don't try this at home.

Jennifer Aniston pictures courtesy TNT and Reuters. Charisma Carpenter pictures courtesy FashionDish.com; Cate Blanchette pictures courtesy Reuters, FeatureFlash and FashionDish.com; Rachel Leigh Cook pictures courtesy Reuters and FeatureFlash. Alyssa Milano picture courtesy Cosmopolitan.

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