|
Proper Hair Behavior |
| Author: The Short Hair Diva |
|
Date: September 2004 |
Introduction
Hello, my loves! Recently it has come to the
Diva’s attention that some of you out there are not observing
Proper Hair Behavior. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Please allow the Diva to review the basics for you
once more. (And for those of you who have not yet either committed the
Diva’s wise words to memory OR printed them out and placed them in a
tasteful notebook, you have one more chance.)
The following are the Diva’s Ten Commandments of
Proper Hair Behavior:
1)
Never comb or brush your hair in a restaurant.
2)
If you cut your hair over the sink, clean up after yourself.
3)
Clean your hairbrushes and combs regularly and thoroughly.
4)
Wash your hair regularly and condition when needed.
5)
Be sure you are using the proper hair products for your hair
type.
6)
Get a good stylist.
7)
Do your homework to find out what hairstyle is right for you.
8)
Do not flip your long hair around willy-nilly in close proximity
to other people. It’s tantamount to flinging your toenail clippings at
them.
9)
Don’t play with your hair in public if you are over the age of
three.
10)
For men only: if you have a bald spot, DO NOT try a “comb-over!”
You’re not fooling anyone.
You have been warned.
As you know, there are many people with whom we
come in contact who have, shall we say, less than perfect hair savvy. I
was attending a concert recently, and had the misfortune to sit behind a
young lady with long hair. In the course of the 90-minute concert, she
performed the following hair arrangements:
1)
a pony tail
2)
a French twist
3)
braids, different locations and variations
4)
a top knot
5)
a messy chignon
To say the least, it did not a pleasant evening
make! Evidently, the Diva is not the only person out there who has
questions about hair behavior or hair situations. The following are some
of the Diva’s actual emails regarding hair behavior:
Question
Dear Diva,
The other day I was at a garden party my girlfriend
and her husband hosted. The main course, shrimp salads served in large
scallop shells, was on a buffet table, and I picked one up. As I was
chatting with my girlfriend, I noticed a long, wavy red hair adorning
the top of my salad (FYI, my girlfriend is not a redhead)! I knew my
friend would be horrified, so I didn’t tell her about it. I just kept on
talking, and ate around the hair.
Was that all right?
Anxiously,
Madison Cooper-Smith Farquare
Answer
Dear MCSF,
My dear, if you can show that much poise in a bad situation, you
don’t need my help! Kudos to you for showing grace under fire-y hair!
Ta-tahh,
The Diva
Question
Dear Diva,
During my monthly trip to the spa, I was relaxing
in the Jacuzzi, and noticed for the first time that my big toes have
about 5 long, curling hairs each on top! Should I pluck them, shave
them, dye them, or what?
Toe-tally Mortified
Answer
Dear TM,
I shouldn’t have to tell you this—if you are paying for the luxury of
a monthly spa trip, then do not bypass the pedicurist! He/she can get
rid of those unstylish toe hairs for you. They are getting paid enough!
Buh-bye,
The Diva
Question
Dear Diva,
I hope you can give me some advice. I am a
middle-aged man, recently divorced, and I know you give advice on hair.
Well, here’s the problem: after my divorce, my hair loss speeded up
bigtime (you should just see my alimony check!). Now I find my
newly-fallen hair on the back of my shirt, in my chair at work, on the
sheets in my bed, circling the drain in my tub, and even poking out of
my socks when I pull them out of the dryer!
What should I do??
Un-Hairy Potter
Answer
Dear UHP,
It sounds like the Divorce Fairy is still making you pay! But
seriously, make an appointment to see your doctor first. This could be a
condition he can help you with, and secondly, see your hair stylist.
There are remedies and products you can try that may help.
In the meantime, invest in a good mini-vac.
Best,
The Diva
Question
Dear Diva,
What do you do when your wife’s hair
looks terrible and you don’t want to hurt her feelings? I love my wife,
but she has the worst hair stylist ever. I swear he makes her look bad
on purpose. My wife has pretty brown hair and right now it’s in one of
those awful choppy cuts the celebs are all wearing.
Can you suggest anything?
Man Who Needs a Plan
Answer
Dear MWNAP,
Of course the Diva can help! Here’s what you do: first tell your wife
again how much you love her, and present her with a dozen roses and a
certificate to the nicest spa you can afford. Make sure that you check
it out in advance and that part of her Day of Beauty includes a NEW hair
stylist (one she can go to regularly). If she should protest that she
already has a stylist, then tell her that a new ‘do is part of the
package.
Of course, if she doesn’t go for that, then you’ll have to play the
truth card and tell her outright that you think her current stylist
isn’t doing all he can for her.
Good luck!
The Diva
Question
Dear Diva,
I was in a restaurant recently, and
was enjoying a quiet meal by myself. However, this pleasant interlude
was soon interrupted when two young girls sat down in a nearby table.
After they ordered, one of them got on her cell phone and chatted
interminably while the other one pulled out a huge hairbrush and
proceeded to groom herself at the table.
I think that both of them displayed
incredibly bad manners out it public. What do you think?
Immensely Annoyed
Answer
Dear IA,
The Diva understands completely. This is why I have put the following
petition together regarding behavior at restaurants. Please feel free to
sign it and send it on to all your friends. Hopefully this will help put
an end such offenses!
United in Annoyance,
The Diva
The Diva's
Petition For Change in Restaurant Policy
Dear Restaurant owners, please be advised that the following patrons
will no longer frequent your establishment if you continue to allow the
following behavior in your establishment:
1)
Talking on cell phones.
2)
Hair combing at the table.
3)
Cigarette, cigar, or pipe smoking anywhere within the restaurant.
4)
Allowing the restrooms to run out of toilet paper, soap, and
paper towels.
5)
Letting your waitstaff call us “guys,” “sweetheart,” “honey,” or
“poopsy.”
6)
Children with more than one incidence of screaming,
food-throwing, or crying.
7)
When a single party is seated, it does not automatically mean
that they are a) a loser, b) a bad tipper, or 3) don’t require the kind
of service you would give a party of 6.
8)
Does your waitstaff really need to be that perky?
Sign Here:
Feel free to print the above and take to a
restaurant or waitstaff in need.
Love and kisses
from the Diva!
|