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Open Letters From The Diva To The Donald, Courtney Love & John Kerry |
| Author: The Short Hair Diva |
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Date: October 2004 |
To Donald Trump
“Donald darling,
You and I are both old enough not to mince words.
You obviously are a successful man in the realm of
business, and I obviously am a successful woman in the realm of hair.
Let me offer you some free advice, from one professional to another:
Darling, get some help with that ‘do!! A man of
your standing, fame, and wealth should not sport hair as bad as yours.
You have accomplished so much so far in your life, why not have a good
hairstyle?
Hair that looks that bad makes us all think The
Donald might be hiding something from us. Trust me—no one will think
less of you if you are balding under that untidy comb-over. (Besides,
that’s what we’re all thinking anyway!) If you have an unsightly skin
condition, that can be addressed as well. Or perhaps you are secreting a
small animal under that floppy bang of yours. If so, do it (and us!) a
favor, and get it a condo of its own.
Having off-putting hair like yours makes people
think twice about taking you seriously as a businessman. Please, do
accept the Diva’s offer of an all-expense paid trip to the Diva’s
favorite and most exclusive salon to get a complete makeover—from the
eyebrows up.
Determinedly,
The Diva”
To Courtney Love
“Dear Courtney,
Love—what ARE you thinking? Aren’t your
questionable lifestyle, bad choices in men, horrific fashions, and
bi-polar personality enough to put any sane woman in the gutter? Why
compound all this with such dreadful hair? You can do better, trust me.
That ratty, I-dunno-blonde, combination flyaway/greasy ‘do has got to
go.
With all the time you spend on rolling from one
gutter to another, why don’t you think about channeling all that
negative energy into something more positive, like community service?
The Diva suggests a year spent in retreat with no
men allowed, a plain cotton robe, heavy medication, and restraints. Oh,
and a good hairdresser.
With Valium in Hand,
The Diva
To John Kerry
“Dear John,
(And what is it about that salutation that just
makes me smile??)
Since the politicos won’t ask, the Diva will. Are
you trying to look like New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain? I mean,
really—that long, jutting chin, pointed nose, and granite-gray hair??
FYI, it probably won’t get you more votes. The Diva realizes that
nothing short of plastic surgery will fix the nose and chin, and since
you already have your posters and buttons all made up, that’s probably
out. But darling—let’s loosen that hair up a little!
The style alone suggests to us (including all those
undecided voters) that you may be too inflexible to handle more
responsibility than, say, changing the White House lint traps.
Perhaps you should take that rigid hairstyle of
yours back to a more carefree time, like say, the Vietnam Era.
You’re So Not Getting My Vote,
The Diva
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