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Helloooo, You’re NOT a Celebrity! |
| Author: The Short Hair Diva |
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Date: April 2004 |
Introduction
Hello, sweet things, it’s the Diva again,
with a few words of wisdom and truth for all of you ladies who are
slaving to make yourselves look like your favorite celeb. The Diva
really does hate to have to tell you this, but here is the unvarnished
truth: YOU CAN’T. Not unless you have the same resources, money,
connections, and entourage a successful celebrity has. Truth is,
darlings, they have what it takes to make them look that gorgeous. We
regular humans don’t.
Just take hair, for example. Why do you suppose
that at the Academy Awards you might see Demi Moore with a cute,
short, and impish ‘do, and then mere days later see her with lovely,
luscious LONG hair? Could she have discovered a secret hair-growing
formula that only movie stars have access to? NO! But she DOES have
hairdressers at her beck and call who can transform her with the best
hair extensions faster than you can dial 911.
How about Jennifer Anniston’s perfect hairdo?
Do you really think she wakes up each morning next to Brad looking
that beautiful? The Diva is sure that she suffers from morning breath
and rats’ nest hair like the rest of us. But here is the difference:
JA can summon the “A” team of hair stylists, makeup experts, and
fitness gurus to her house at a moment’s notice. We cannot.
Do you really think that Julia Roberts walks
around every minute of every day with every hair in place? Of course
not. You can be assured that everywhere Julia goes, a staff of beauty
experts follow.
This is of course not to say that we can’t
all look fabulous! We certainly can, but please remember to use the
resources you have at hand. Celebs, in the Diva’s opinion, can have
all the best stylists and makeup artists they can afford. That is
their privilege for the time and aggravation of constantly being in
the public eye.
As always, do your homework and find what works
best for you, and make sure that you have a good stylist who can help
you. With a little extra effort, you can create a celebrity look of
your own!
And now, for
some of the Diva’s worst hair emails yet; enjoy!
Question
“Dear Diva,
I see Heather
Locklear on TV all the time, and she says that Loreal hair color gives
her that gorgeous blonde hair. I wanted my hair to look like that, so
I bought the same hair color she uses. And guess what? It doesn’t
look a bit like hers, and now it’s dry and dull as well! How can she
go on TV like that and tell us all that Loreal is so great when it
isn’t? If you ask me, she AND Loreal should be sued!
Blonde and Angry
in Wisconsin
Answer
Dear
B&A,
Darling,
have you never read the Diva’s column before? Do you really believe
that Heather Locklear, an established celebrity who still evidently
commands viewer ratings, REALLY colors her own hair with a product you
can buy in a supermarket?! Really, dear. In this case, you got what
you paid for.
Cheers,
The Diva”
Question
“Dear Diva,
I thought it
would be cute to just tint the ends of my boyfriend’s hair blonde
(the rest of his hair is red), but he didn’t want me to. I just KNEW
how hot it would look, and decided to surprise him. We went to a big
party last weekend, and ate loads of barbeque and potato salad, and
drank lots of beer. As we were talking around the pool, my boyfriend
fell asleep in the sun. So I ran inside the house, and grabbed my bag,
where I’d hidden a small jar of peroxide and a little paintbrush. As
he slept, I carefully dabbed peroxide on the ends of his hair and let
it dry in the sun. But I completely forgot that he’d gone swimming
in the chlorinated pool right before we ate—and the ends of his hair
turned GREEN. I was horrified!! I didn’t know what to do, and
gradually everyone saw what his hair looked like—bright red with
green ends, just like Christmas!
All the laughing
woke him up, and he kept asking everyone what was so funny. Finally
one of his buddies gave him a mirror. He was madder than I’ve ever
seen him, and he hasn’t spoken to me since. I feel just terrible.
What should I do?
Remorseful in
Reno
Answer
Dear
Remorseful,
What
an unbelieveably selfish and arrogant act of hair-coloring nazism! Did
you not HEAR him say that he did NOT want his ends colored? What you
can now do is send him a gift certificate to the best hair-coloring
salon in town with your abject apologies. If I were him, I would never
speak to you again, either.
The
Diva”
Question
“Dear Diva,
I just love
Christina Aquilera’s black and white hair, and wanted my own
ash-blonde hair to look that way. You wouldn’t believe what hair
salons around here charge for coloring, so my girlfriend and I picked
up some Clairol Black Azure and went home to create the look. I
can’t tell you how nasty my hair looks now—just like someone
dipped the ends of my hair in black ink! Not only that, but I’ve
washed my hair dozens of times, and that black color is staying put. I
don't look anymore like Christina Aquilera than Barbara Bush does!
What do I do
now?
Black and White
in Baltimore
Answer
Dear
B&W,
When
will you and so many like you learn that you just can’t cheap out
when it comes to good hair coloring? The Diva must stress yet
again—hair coloring is NOT for amateurs! Trust the Diva on this
one—it’s worth it to splurge on a good salon with experts who
understand color and know what they are doing. Skimp somewhere else,
but not on good hair color.
What
can you do now? Unless you want to slink into one of those high-priced
salons you so recently scoffed at, you may have to cut off the
blackened ends of your once-beautiful hair. Let this be a lesson to
you—unless you have the resources and money Christina Aquilera does,
you will have a hard time duplicating this look. (Although the Diva
has to wonder what it was about that horrible look appealed to you!)
Buh-bye,
The
Diva”
Question
“Dear Diva,
My girlfriend
just loves Johnny Depp, and her favorite JD movie is “Don Juan
DeMarco.” So I decided, as a surprise for our 6-month anniversary,
to get a Depp-do. So I went to a good hair salon, told them what I was
going for, and even brought in a picture. Unfortunately, my hair is
very curly, and that long shag deal he wore in the picture was just
not going to work with my hair. So I asked them to straighten it, and
then style it.
Well, they did
it, all right. They straightened my hair to the point where it is now
lank, limp, and floppy. Now I look like Johnny Depp on a bender in the
rain, and my girlfriend hasn’t stopped laughing yet. Needless to
say, the look does NOT work for me.
Diva, is there
any hope for me?
Straightened Out
in Seattle
Answer
Dear
SOS,
First
of all, you would do well to remember that Johnny Depp is Johnny Depp,
and you, of course, are you—and never the twain shall meet. If your
natural hair is very curly, then I suggest you either go with it as it
is (or used to be), or grow it longer and consider dreadlocks, or keep
it short, or shave your head.
Leave
the Depp do to Depp!
Ta-ta,
The
Diva”
Dear readers,
you may not be aware of this, but in her spare time, the Diva often
visits exclusive salons incognito. The Diva is a very big believer in
good customer service, and has been instrumental in making many a
so-so salon better with her never-fail tips. Some of them follow:
Tip #1: Always
treat each customer with the respect you would show someone in your
life you care about.
Tip #2: Make the
customer’s complete satisfaction your business.
Tip #3: Always
greet the customer with a genuine welcoming smile. (And if you are
having a bad day yourself, then leave if you have to. If you can’t,
then “fake it til you make it”—keep on acting happy. You will
be, eventually.)
Tip #4: Always
give the customer more than they expect. For example, if you are
styling someone’s hair and they just love the smell of the hair
product you are using, then make them a present of a sample size of
it.
Tip #5: Never,
never say anything about anyone (especially a customer) that you
wouldn’t be delighted to tell them to their face. You would be
amazed at how word travels!
Tip #6: Never
slam your competition. Only losers and amateurs do that. Remember what
your mother taught you: “If you can’t say something nice about
someone, then say nothing at all.”
Tip #7: If your
customer is having a bad day and is trying to take it out on you, try
a little kindness and do your best to ignore the urge to lash back.
Stop what you are doing, look your customer in the eye and say,
“I’m so sorry you are having trouble today. What can I do to
help?” And mean it! Often the person just wants someone to listen to
them.
Tip #8: If your
customer (say, the one from Tip #7) is spilling their guts to you,
then listen, and LOOK attentive. That doesn’t mean stop working!
That means looking at them directly from time to time, nodding to
agree, and interjecting little comments that shows you ARE listening.
Tip #9: When you
are working on a customer, do not stop for a phone call (unless
absolutely necessary) or any other distraction.
Tip #10: Help
your customer look their best. If they come in with a picture of a
hairdo you know won’t work for them, do your best to come up with a
diplomatic way to guide them in another direction. If that doesn’t
work, then be honest and tell them your apprehensions about it, and
offer an alternative idea.
Here are some
unfortunate comments from some of the stylists the Diva overheard
recently in an exclusive hair salon (where the prices alone should
have made them much more discreet!):
“Oh, my—you
certainly don’t LOOK 50!” (Well, thanks, but that really wasn’t
the response I was going for.)
“You know,
those white streaks make you look very distinguished.” (Really? I
would be very flattered if I were a MAN!)
“There
now—do you see how these fluffy bangs hide the crows’ feet at the
corners of your eyes?” (Yes, I do—and I notice YOUR hairdo more
than makes up for your lack of brains!)
“Wow, your
hair is really thin, isn’t it?” (Gee, thanks for pointing that out
to me. I’d have never guessed it on my own!)
“Are you sure
you want to go that dark with your hair coloring? Dark hair can be so
unflattering to older skin.” (You don’t say. I’ll have to tell
my husband, Methuselah, about that.)
Love and kisses
from the Diva
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